Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The Start of Something Great

Chris and I were on our way home from a friends house; he had turned down the music in the car and said, "Amanda--I like you." I looked at him and simply said "I like you too, so turn it back up" he goes... "No...I like you -- LIKE you" ... I said "ohhh".  We were quiet the rest of the ride home.

I walked into the house, and into the bathroom--looked in the mirror and I was smiling from ear to ear.  I realized then that I liked him as well.

After Church on Sunday, we had a car full of friends, I grabbed Chris' hand and said "Guess, what?  We are together now".  And we were together ever since.  We loved each other pretty early on, I remember telling him "I think i'm falling in love with you..."  He said "I already have".

He asked me to marry him in my yearbook which was really sweet; I still have it actually.  He graduated on time from high school after making up some PE classes.  I had to go to adult school to finish economics so that I could graduate.  So, I didn't graduate on time; however, I would walk to adult school and home because I didn't have a license.  But I earned my diploma on my own!  Which was a very big accomplishment for me since I didn't "HAVE" to do it, but I did.

Chris was leaving for basic training on July 16, 2003.  I was leaving on July 10, 2003 for a memorial service on the East coast, so we eloped without telling anyone on July 9, 2003.

Since I was out of state, Chris couldn't put me on his bank account; therefore, I didn't have access to money.  My family and I were planning a wedding, in August I told them that we had eloped...not long after that my mom kicked me out of the house and I had no money, no vehicle -- so I moved in with my in laws.

My ex-boyfriend remained in the house because my mom said it was my fault that he had to stay there.  For some odd reason, everything was someone else's fault...usually mine.

She called me drunk one night at my in-laws house to tell me that I owed her over $400 worth of porn charges on her satellite receiver; I said, "I'm not paying you any money...I didn't watch porn in your house"  She then said "I KNOW, it was your boyfriend."  I quickly corrected her by saying "He's not my boyfriend, I'm married now--I told you to kick him out because we broke up, but you let him stay."

She hung up on me.

I moved in with my in-laws in August of 2003, they helped me get my license in October of 2003, they let me live there rent free, provided me with a vehicle and a lovely home.  I am so grateful to have them in my life.  My husband came down on orders to Germany in January 2004 so that was our next adventure.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Troubled years after the betrayal

After winter vacation ended; I felt like a different person.  I no longer cared what my grades were, what people thought of me, what my morals once were -- I simply did not care.  I was out to hurt my mother in the same way she hurt me.  I was her "perfect" child, that she received praise about and compliments on; however, I was done giving her the satisfaction of having the "perfect" daughter.

I began ditching school, hanging out with the wrong crowd--started smoking cigarettes at the age of 16, and smoked weed at 16; however, I never actually enjoyed it, I just did it because everyone else did.  I did enjoy smoking cigarettes though and I did drink alcohol on numerous occasions.  It helped me block out what was going on in my life and for a little while feel better.

I was proud that I was saving myself for marriage, but after my mom betrayed me, I couldn't lose it fast enough...I just did not care anymore.  The first time I tried to lose it was an epic fail, which that boyfriend and I didn't work out.  The second time, I eased in to it; however, the boy I was interested in was the boyfriend of a friend of mine.  I betrayed her and dated him for about 14 months which is very long in high school.  He was my first; however, cheated on me multiple times and I cheated back.  We ultimately broke up around Valentine's Day 2003.

My junior year was the worst, I decided that nobody mattered to me and I just did my own thing.  I showed up to class but didn't care.  I took a friends car without permission, I didn't have a license; thankfully we didn't get pulled over.  The principal and school security called and left a message on my moms machine about it, but my friend later got me off the hook for it.  I stole my mothers car multiple times, but never got caught -- which is amazing.

I would sneak out of the house after my parents went to bed and I never realized what kind of danger I was in -- until I grew up.

I was troubled, I hung out with people who were older than me -- seniors then.  So when graduation came they all went off and I was still in high school.  I was a loner because I betrayed all my friends who were my age and made a new name for myself.  

My boyfriend and I were on and off, we went to two different high schools and it was easy to listen to the gossip.  I can't honestly tell you when we were together and when we were not.  I began dating a 19 year old, who cheated on me with his 38 year old girlfriend...so that didn't work out.

Senior year, I had my ex-boyfriend living at my parents house because he had issues at home where it was just toxic for him to be there.  Again we were on and off so sometimes he was my boyfriend and others we weren't.  So, I was just walking around school on the first day back from summer vacation when a friend I had in summer school was there, he was friends with people that I had betrayed but thankfully he didn't hold it against me.

There was a group of guys I think about 5 of them...whom I had seen a majority around but I actually knew two of them.  Over the course of my senior year I was really close to one of the guys, he was just different, his name was Chris.  He never bragged, he was funny and never hit on me.  So we became best friends and hung out all the time with another friend of mine Jennie.  

Jennie was the new girl and I had invited her to hang out with us, and us three always hung out together, we had a great time.  I had met all of Chris' friends and we started attending church together.

My life was getting better, I was going back to school and enjoyed it because I actually had an awesome group of friends.  Chris was joining the military shortly after graduation which bummed me out but I told him that we would always keep in touch.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

I've come a long way...

Growing up was not easy, sadly, I remember things that no child should have to remember or be taunted by the evil of the world.  At the age of 4 I was molested by my mom's Father-in-law, I did not know what was going on but I knew that it was not right.  I never said anything because who would believe that?  My mom divorced her husband of a mere 10 months and he was ordered to pay child support.  After the divorce was final, my mother got involved with people who were addicted to drugs; my sister and I were taken away by the police and put in foster care because the only thing in the fridge was beer and baking soda. 

The person who got us out of foster care...was the molester.  We stayed with him for a week or two until my Nana paid for us to fly out of the state.  I was 5 and my sister was 1 1/2, my mother was pregnant...and we lived with my Nana until my mom could get on her feet.

My mother had the baby in August and gave him up for adoption to a wonderful family.  It is an open adoption so I was able to meet him and get to know him.  He is currently on my facebook page :)

My mom was a single parent for 6 years, working for my uncle making about 9 dollars an hour and received 19 dollars a week for child support for two children.  Needless to say she struggled to make ends meet; however, tried to do the best she could for us.

Every summer, the molester would pay for my sister and I to fly out to the state that we originally left and stay for the entire summer, we would come home a few days before school started; it was a nightmare.  He was married (the molester), but would always leave the bedroom where his wife was and would come into the room that I shared with my sister and start touching me...I sacrificed myself so that he wouldn't touch my sister who at the time was 2 1/2.  Yes, back then we flew unaccompanied but the flight attendant would be our chaperon.  

It was always touching and kissing never any penetration.  The molestation continued until I was 11 which was the last summer we went out there and it was getting worse, I knew that it would eventually turn in to rape so I knew I had to speak up and tell what was going on.

We came back from "vacation" which was more of a nightmare and my mom was moved in with a man she had dated before we left for the summer.  So, I figured well...now is not the time.  We had to move to California for his job and my mom told us that they were getting married, they were married in December 1996.    After we moved to California in the beginning of 1997, I noticed my mom started drinking heavily.  It wasn't long before I noticed that she was indeed becoming an alcoholic. In December 1997, I wrote a letter to the molesters ex-wife and told her that I had a big secret to tell her.  She called him immediately and called him out and said she knew he was a sick bastard and whatever else.

The phone started ringing off the hook in California and it was my moms ex-husband telling her that his father is freaking out and wanted to know what the letter said.  My mom was of course drunk and came barging in the room demanding to know what I wrote.  I told her that all that it said was that I had a big secret to tell her.

My mom eventually hung up the phone and I told her what happened, the things he had done and what he had said...he also molested my baby sister who is 3 1/2 years younger than me, not as much because I made sure it was me and not her.  I told what happened when I was 12, my sister was turning 9 in January.

My mom says, while on the phone with the molester "If you say what your sister said, you wont get that razor scooter for Christmas, or that mountain bike that you wanted ... your sister already isn't getting anything".  She looked at me and said "I'm sorry" and told my mother that it didn't happen.

I had a fear of police officers because first off, I was taken away from her by the cops, then when she would drink and drive she would have me hide her beers under my jacket in case she got pulled over and I would have to be the look out for her.

When I refused to go into the police station, she decided to call all my family and tell them that I was a liar and made it all up.  She would change, if she was drinking -- I was a liar. If she was sober she wouldn't talk to me about it.

So, my sister continued to get gifts and money for Christmas and Birthdays, which was fine with me as long as I never had to see him again.

Then all hell broke loose, I was on winter break from high school in my sophomore year.  Was a great student, always went to class, didn't drink, didn't smoke and never ditched school.  I didn't even date in high school, I was just learning.

I came home from school and my mom got home from work and comes up to me and says "Hey, guess what?"  I said...what?  She proceeds to say "So, ___ (the molester), is coming out for Christmas and he is going to stay here."  I looked at her and said "If he goes near my sister, I will kill him".

The whole time he was there I was hurt, frustrated and extremely angry.  When it came time for him to leave, I told her, no i'm going to stay here.  She goes "NO! We are all going to the airport", so I sat in the back with my step dad, my sister and the molester and my mother were in the front...my mom was driving.  We get to the airport and I have my arms crossed...she comes up to me and goes "Give him a hug good bye"  I looked at her said "NO!"  She then proceeds to tell me if I don't she will beat my ass and ground me.  So, I walked over to him and said "bye" he gave me a hug and slipped 50 dollars in my hand.

I looked at him and said "What's this for?  I told...remember?"  He didn't say anything, I turned and walked away even more disgusted and angry.  My sister was prancing around and I asked her if she got $100, she said yes and I gave her my 50.

At this point in time I was 15 1/2 years old, I felt betrayed, heartbroken and angry!  All I wanted to do was hurt my mother the same way she hurt me.