Thursday, April 19, 2012

I've come a long way...

Growing up was not easy, sadly, I remember things that no child should have to remember or be taunted by the evil of the world.  At the age of 4 I was molested by my mom's Father-in-law, I did not know what was going on but I knew that it was not right.  I never said anything because who would believe that?  My mom divorced her husband of a mere 10 months and he was ordered to pay child support.  After the divorce was final, my mother got involved with people who were addicted to drugs; my sister and I were taken away by the police and put in foster care because the only thing in the fridge was beer and baking soda. 

The person who got us out of foster care...was the molester.  We stayed with him for a week or two until my Nana paid for us to fly out of the state.  I was 5 and my sister was 1 1/2, my mother was pregnant...and we lived with my Nana until my mom could get on her feet.

My mother had the baby in August and gave him up for adoption to a wonderful family.  It is an open adoption so I was able to meet him and get to know him.  He is currently on my facebook page :)

My mom was a single parent for 6 years, working for my uncle making about 9 dollars an hour and received 19 dollars a week for child support for two children.  Needless to say she struggled to make ends meet; however, tried to do the best she could for us.

Every summer, the molester would pay for my sister and I to fly out to the state that we originally left and stay for the entire summer, we would come home a few days before school started; it was a nightmare.  He was married (the molester), but would always leave the bedroom where his wife was and would come into the room that I shared with my sister and start touching me...I sacrificed myself so that he wouldn't touch my sister who at the time was 2 1/2.  Yes, back then we flew unaccompanied but the flight attendant would be our chaperon.  

It was always touching and kissing never any penetration.  The molestation continued until I was 11 which was the last summer we went out there and it was getting worse, I knew that it would eventually turn in to rape so I knew I had to speak up and tell what was going on.

We came back from "vacation" which was more of a nightmare and my mom was moved in with a man she had dated before we left for the summer.  So, I figured is not the time.  We had to move to California for his job and my mom told us that they were getting married, they were married in December 1996.    After we moved to California in the beginning of 1997, I noticed my mom started drinking heavily.  It wasn't long before I noticed that she was indeed becoming an alcoholic. In December 1997, I wrote a letter to the molesters ex-wife and told her that I had a big secret to tell her.  She called him immediately and called him out and said she knew he was a sick bastard and whatever else.

The phone started ringing off the hook in California and it was my moms ex-husband telling her that his father is freaking out and wanted to know what the letter said.  My mom was of course drunk and came barging in the room demanding to know what I wrote.  I told her that all that it said was that I had a big secret to tell her.

My mom eventually hung up the phone and I told her what happened, the things he had done and what he had said...he also molested my baby sister who is 3 1/2 years younger than me, not as much because I made sure it was me and not her.  I told what happened when I was 12, my sister was turning 9 in January.

My mom says, while on the phone with the molester "If you say what your sister said, you wont get that razor scooter for Christmas, or that mountain bike that you wanted ... your sister already isn't getting anything".  She looked at me and said "I'm sorry" and told my mother that it didn't happen.

I had a fear of police officers because first off, I was taken away from her by the cops, then when she would drink and drive she would have me hide her beers under my jacket in case she got pulled over and I would have to be the look out for her.

When I refused to go into the police station, she decided to call all my family and tell them that I was a liar and made it all up.  She would change, if she was drinking -- I was a liar. If she was sober she wouldn't talk to me about it.

So, my sister continued to get gifts and money for Christmas and Birthdays, which was fine with me as long as I never had to see him again.

Then all hell broke loose, I was on winter break from high school in my sophomore year.  Was a great student, always went to class, didn't drink, didn't smoke and never ditched school.  I didn't even date in high school, I was just learning.

I came home from school and my mom got home from work and comes up to me and says "Hey, guess what?"  I said...what?  She proceeds to say "So, ___ (the molester), is coming out for Christmas and he is going to stay here."  I looked at her and said "If he goes near my sister, I will kill him".

The whole time he was there I was hurt, frustrated and extremely angry.  When it came time for him to leave, I told her, no i'm going to stay here.  She goes "NO! We are all going to the airport", so I sat in the back with my step dad, my sister and the molester and my mother were in the mom was driving.  We get to the airport and I have my arms crossed...she comes up to me and goes "Give him a hug good bye"  I looked at her said "NO!"  She then proceeds to tell me if I don't she will beat my ass and ground me.  So, I walked over to him and said "bye" he gave me a hug and slipped 50 dollars in my hand.

I looked at him and said "What's this for?  I told...remember?"  He didn't say anything, I turned and walked away even more disgusted and angry.  My sister was prancing around and I asked her if she got $100, she said yes and I gave her my 50.

At this point in time I was 15 1/2 years old, I felt betrayed, heartbroken and angry!  All I wanted to do was hurt my mother the same way she hurt me.


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