Sunday, April 22, 2012

Troubled years after the betrayal

After winter vacation ended; I felt like a different person.  I no longer cared what my grades were, what people thought of me, what my morals once were -- I simply did not care.  I was out to hurt my mother in the same way she hurt me.  I was her "perfect" child, that she received praise about and compliments on; however, I was done giving her the satisfaction of having the "perfect" daughter.

I began ditching school, hanging out with the wrong crowd--started smoking cigarettes at the age of 16, and smoked weed at 16; however, I never actually enjoyed it, I just did it because everyone else did.  I did enjoy smoking cigarettes though and I did drink alcohol on numerous occasions.  It helped me block out what was going on in my life and for a little while feel better.

I was proud that I was saving myself for marriage, but after my mom betrayed me, I couldn't lose it fast enough...I just did not care anymore.  The first time I tried to lose it was an epic fail, which that boyfriend and I didn't work out.  The second time, I eased in to it; however, the boy I was interested in was the boyfriend of a friend of mine.  I betrayed her and dated him for about 14 months which is very long in high school.  He was my first; however, cheated on me multiple times and I cheated back.  We ultimately broke up around Valentine's Day 2003.

My junior year was the worst, I decided that nobody mattered to me and I just did my own thing.  I showed up to class but didn't care.  I took a friends car without permission, I didn't have a license; thankfully we didn't get pulled over.  The principal and school security called and left a message on my moms machine about it, but my friend later got me off the hook for it.  I stole my mothers car multiple times, but never got caught -- which is amazing.

I would sneak out of the house after my parents went to bed and I never realized what kind of danger I was in -- until I grew up.

I was troubled, I hung out with people who were older than me -- seniors then.  So when graduation came they all went off and I was still in high school.  I was a loner because I betrayed all my friends who were my age and made a new name for myself.  

My boyfriend and I were on and off, we went to two different high schools and it was easy to listen to the gossip.  I can't honestly tell you when we were together and when we were not.  I began dating a 19 year old, who cheated on me with his 38 year old that didn't work out.

Senior year, I had my ex-boyfriend living at my parents house because he had issues at home where it was just toxic for him to be there.  Again we were on and off so sometimes he was my boyfriend and others we weren't.  So, I was just walking around school on the first day back from summer vacation when a friend I had in summer school was there, he was friends with people that I had betrayed but thankfully he didn't hold it against me.

There was a group of guys I think about 5 of them...whom I had seen a majority around but I actually knew two of them.  Over the course of my senior year I was really close to one of the guys, he was just different, his name was Chris.  He never bragged, he was funny and never hit on me.  So we became best friends and hung out all the time with another friend of mine Jennie.  

Jennie was the new girl and I had invited her to hang out with us, and us three always hung out together, we had a great time.  I had met all of Chris' friends and we started attending church together.

My life was getting better, I was going back to school and enjoyed it because I actually had an awesome group of friends.  Chris was joining the military shortly after graduation which bummed me out but I told him that we would always keep in touch.

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